The Hardest Button to Button
Well I'm retarded. Yesterday April and I went to church at Gassville Baptist Church in Gassville, Arkansas with my Aunt & Uncle. I of course, forgot to inform Cornerstone that I wouldn't be at church yesterday and Isabelle and Josiah showed up expecting their usual Sunday School class and instead got an empty room. Dangit. Practically ruined my morning. So there, my failure is documented. All ya'll can know I feel the full weight of my mistake/irresponsibility.
Flippin was good. My family out there (2 Aunts, 2 Uncles, 1 Cousin) are great. Lots of card playing. You can't be at a Roe family anything without a deck of cards popping out in the first 30 minutes. We played Pinochle for hours.
I can't emphasize enough how in the middle of nowhere Flippin is. The only thing around in terms of business is Ranger Boats, which employs half the town and change. When we wanted to do some traditional day after thanksgiving shopping, we had to drive 2 1/2 hours to Springfield, Missouri, and I hate Missouri.
On the way to Springfield though we passed through Branson. Branson, I'm firmly convinced, is the Capitol of Kitsch. It makes Gatlinburg seem cool. I mean, look at this junk and junk and junk. One would wonder how a place like Branson would continue to exist and even seemingly to thrive. I know how: its Baby Boomers who didn't become hippies, this massive group of 20-30 million Americans entering retirment age with lots of capital & time to burn with deplorably bad taste.
If you're related to people like this I want you to have them move in with you. I want you to take them to good movies & good concerts. Start them drinking, every night with you and your friends. Find the best local church stylistically speaking, whether that be a well put together Presbyterian church or a gorgeous Episcopalian (sp?) one. Under no circumstances should they attend a Lutheran or Pentacostle church. Most Baptists are probably right out too, although there are some notable exceptions. Remember, our goal is to avoid Kitsch as much as possible.
You must also dress them. Do this gently, since with each passing day their ego's will grow more and more fragile as their eyes are opened to the world of what is actually cool (and I use word that in the non pop sense). What you don't want is a stubborn relapse. You need to ease them from kitsch self-confidence into hipster self-confidence. They're probably already comfortable at thrift stores and flea markets, all you've gotta do is help them learn to pick something else and be a "cool" shopper. They probably really dig James Dean, so you can tell them that an old leather jacket is new levels of cool. Let them borrow yours.
Probably the hardest lesson you'll have to give is that of "irony." That generation has no real sense of irony. The Daily Show is as good as being done in Farsi to them. While Laurel & Hardy, the Three Stooges, and Spencer Tracy were funny, they most definately weren't ironic (at least not in the sense they intended it to be). These are their comic paradigms, and they must be shifted. I recommend finding some common ground and keeping it simple. Start with just how silly Disco actually was. Avoid the Bee Gees, they probably have all their albums, it'll be two steps back if you go there. Talk about the funny mark on Gorbechav's head and how Ed Sullivan always looked comotose. By all means be very winsome, opportunities for irony will present themselves ad infinitum, and you must pick and choose very carefully which ones you will take for maximum effect.
It's an uphill battle, but not an unwinnable one.
Josiah Q. Roe | By Josiah Roe | 12:03 PM
Comments
It is odd, though, that "cool" things and "kitsch" things might look the same. If I put lawn dwarfs all over my lawn and 3 Santas on my roof, I think that that would be cool and ironic, and perhaps others would think that because they know me. But because I don't know the person who does that on St Elmo Ave, I assume that they are Kitsch.
I love lawn dwarfs.
Posted by: Joe at November 29, 2004 12:45 PM
Under the heading of dressing ironic Boomer relatives gently, I would suggest starting with a range of corduroy shirts, preferably in earth tones. This can be complemented with khaki shorts and sandals.
Posted by: julian at November 29, 2004 12:49 PM
man, I wish I would have known that you were going to be so dang close to Memphis. Did you pass through on your way to Flippin? I only saw your post on this past Friday. Well, maybe next time.
-p
Posted by: Pablo at November 29, 2004 03:12 PM
I thought there were some classy liturgical Lutheran churches out there. Don't really know, though.
Posted by: e. donovan at November 29, 2004 04:30 PM
What the heck is Kitsch about cordoroy shirts? See, what really really ticks me off is that you've found something to get my er, goat or goad or whatever the heck it is.
Posted by: JosiahQ at November 29, 2004 05:32 PM
Uh, I agree about Branson and all, but, hey, the plural of "ego" is "egos", not "ego's". If you say "ego's" you're indicating possession, not plurality. What's with this young generation and all these superfluous apostrophes? People have yard signs that say, 'The Smith's" and "The May's". Who is the MAY? And what is it that belongs to him or her? Bunch of post-modern whippersnappers if you ask me!
And - so how are you going to tell if the all lawn dwarves that you pass during your lifetime are kischy or ironic? This sounds quite alarming - there may be some kitschy dwarves out there passing for ironic.
Posted by: illolibro at November 29, 2004 08:54 PM
There are some very classy Lutheran churches, but most of them are in New England or small pockets of Minnesota. And there's a bit of a risk factor on the theology, if you're concerned about such things.
Posted by: mesh at November 30, 2004 12:35 PM
Hey, I am so excited that you are Pinochle players too. I've been playing for 20 years and am finally getting good...now that I am nearly 25.
Do you play with partners and with a double deck? We do, and I love it.
Posted by: Krista at November 30, 2004 03:38 PM
hey, speaking of midwest card games...do we have any euchre (how in the world do you spell it?) players in the area? i would love to host a little tournament....
Posted by: nutmeg at December 3, 2004 02:03 AM
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