Wise Drivel

My favorite room

With the new 80's station here in town (97.3 & 99.3), I was happy to move the clock radio back into the bathroom. Last night I went in there to take care of a few things and almost didn't come out.

1) Heat fan

2) Crossword Puzzle

3) Safety Dance, Karma Chameleon, and many other 80's gems

I told my wife the only thing that was missing was her. She was totally grossed out by that.

NL playoffs -- Braves vs Cubs

I'm just shy of calling myself a Braves fan

My wife's family is made up of Cubs fans, except one sister-in-law who is a huuuge Braves fan.

Should be an interesting series. Both teams have crummy bullpens backing up solid starters.

Monies?

I don't like it when people refer to money in the plural -- monies.

Monies is apparently for people who have soooooo much money they have to refer to it in the plural. I am not one of those people (yet), so I hate them.

Stupid Verbs

I hate it when an everyday noun is turned into a stupid verb.

One of the latest is journaling, as in I had a lot going on in my head, but I started journaling and now I've got it all sorted out.

Is writing in a journal too much work to write?

Then again, I guess blogging is anothe r one.

Sigh.

Have we beaten this topic into the ground yet?

I've never read a Harry Potter book and probably won't ever, but...

Should I be opposed to them?

I've heard the arguments on both sides. Technically, it's a story about occult activity. Then again, so is every episode of Bewitched. Are the anti-Potters just people who need to relax a little bit? Or is Harry merely the handbasket by which an entire generation is transported to hell?

In the 60's and 70's, the general public was not all too aware of the occult. As a result, though, maybe we allowed our standards to erode just a bit and became ever so slightly open to it.

If it's hiding behind a harmless childrens' story, it would seem less offensive. If we can put a positive spin on it ("It's encouraging my child to read for the first time"), it can't be bad. Isn't that how Satan likes to package his tools -- wrapped in deception?

I'm not trying to convince anyone here of anything because I'm still not sure myself. It might just be a whole lot of stink about nothing.

I'm also still debating the whole Halloween issue. Basically, Halloween is like Satan Christmas. I've read quotes from former occult members who indicated that if we really knew what Halloween was all about, we wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole. So should I let my child participate in a harmless tradition that just happens to originate in the occult?

I still don't know. My wife and I discuss it from time to time and we still haven't nailed this stuff down.

The floor is open...

Nude Love Goddesses

Up until the day I moved out of my parents' house, my TV watching was monitored somewhat. Not that I was watching really bad stuff (we didn't have any premium movie channels and this was before the days of the Girls Gone Wild infomercial), but they still checked up on what I was watching. In retrospect, I guess you might call that "good parenting," but at the time I called it "pestering me."

If there was ever a show I enjoyed watching, I couldn't tell my parents about it because they would watch it once and that would be the one and only episode where everyone gets naked and shoots each other in the face while telling jokes about anal sex.

We had 3 TV's - one in the kitchen, one in Mom & Dad's bedroom, and one in the family room. Normally, I might turn on the TV in the kitchen (where the 'rents usually hung out) while I fix something to snack on, and then migrate to the family room downstairs to watch my show, stupidly leaving the same show playing on the TV in the kitchen.

Naturally, Mom & Dad, who wouldn't even be watching the show, would overhear some snippet of dialogue that they would find objectionable and come running downstairs to make us change the channel.

Eventually, I learned that if I wanted to watch something I had to put the TV in the kitchen on a different channel and then go downstairs to watch whatever I wanted -- you know, filthy shows like The A-Team and Simon & Simon.

One of their favorite questions to ask when I was watching TV was "What's the name of this show?" Undoubtedly, they were asking only so they could do research on what kind of unmentionable filth I was filling my brain with.

So I just started always responding with "Nude Love Goddesses." Made the game all the more fun.

Mind you, this was pre-internet. I can't imagine the lockdown I'll have my own son under once he is old enough to know what's going on.

"Son, what website is that?"

"nudelovegoddesses.com, Dad."

"Go get 'em, tiger."

Bic Pentameter

Who is Bic Pentameter?

Barry W Blenkhorn

Does anyone out there know who Barry W Blenkhorn is?

He's a bit of a pop-culture icon, but he doesn't go by his real name.

Care to take a guess?

My favorite quote

The shortest distance between two points is to stay in bed
Sam Pope, 1987

OTOH DVD & other stuff

For those of you who don't read Bill's blog, we're working on a "Best Of" DVD of our TV show, On the Other Hand.

Actually, Bill's workimg on it. But I have a little input too.

It should contain all of the best moments from the show (all 13 episodes!) as well as some new stuff, maybe even a bonus feature or two.

Any suggestions as to what pieces to make sure we include? How about which pieces to leave out?

Also, Bill and I are working on a project (not for TV) that should be fairly amusing. If only we had time to meet more often.

I'm also considering taking a side job as a male exotic dancer. Where can I get a really nice banana hammock cheap? I need one that will hold lots and lots of $1 bills.

Bands that confuse me

Bruce Hornsby and the E Street Band

Stevie Ray Cyrus

Stone Temple Pearl Jam

Special of the day

I saw a sign on a small building in Pensacola on Saturday. It read:

Today's Special:
Mullet $6.95

Thing is, this wasn't a barber shop. It was a restaraunt. Too bad, because I was ready for the Billy Ray Cyrus look.

I'm going to get eaten alive for this...

Not only have I never read any of JRR Tolkein's books, I've never had the desire to. The movies look boring. "The Two Towers" is as uncreative a title as a movie can have.

Yes, I know it's the title of the book, but that doesn't make it any less stupid. JRRT needed to get over his extra-initialed self and write a more interesting title for his book.

I'm sure the books are well-written, but I just don't have any desire to read them

Watership Down. Now there's a good book.

Fifteen lousy minutes

Well, I'm back from Pensacola. Interesting trip. Got there at about 1:00 AM on Saturday, went straight to my aunt's house & went to bed at about 2:30.

Got up at about 9 and it took a litle while (what with the baby and all) to get ready to go see grandpa at my other aunt's house. By the time we finally got there, he had been dead for 15 minutes. Bummer.

I got to see him before they came and took hom away. My aunt put his teeth in so he'd look more normal, but it was strange seeing him lie there dead like that. The wholw family had stood around and watched him die. They said it was quite an experience. I felt bad at having been 15 minutes too late, but they said he was unresponsive for the last 2 hours, so I guess it didn't make a difference.

Fortunately for everyone, we showed up with our baby (9 weeks old), so it was a nice distraction. Circle of Life and all that.

I had to buy a suit to wear to the funeral. That's OK; I needed a suit anyway.

My cousins thought I was creepy because I took a picture of him in his coffin. I thought it was a very tasteful picture, with my son sitting on his chest.

The funeral was nice. My cousin and I spoke. He went first and did a very nice job, but took a more somber tone. I took a more lighthearted approach: Grandpa lived 34,015 days and didn't waste a single one of them. I viewed it as a celebration, since he's in heaven now. I doubt he'd want to come back.

Anyway, we got back at about 1:30 this morning. I took half the day off and worked the afternoon.

So, that's where I've been.

I'll try to keep you all up to date on the rest of the minutae of my life very soon.

Goin' on a road trip

Today I'll be driving to Pensacola, FL, but it won' tbe a fun trip.

I'm taking my 9-week old son to meet his 92 year-old great-grandfather who will probably be dead by Columbus Day.

Grandpa has acute lukemia and has dcided to forego the chemo that would give him another 4 to 6 miserable months. So now he's back at home (actually it's my aunt's home) to live out his remaining 2 to 6 miserable weeks.

I lost a grandfather at age 2, but he wasn't very close to the family. I don't even remember him.

I lost a step-grandfather (who was way more of a grandfather than the genetic one) at age 4, but I was too young to understand what was going on.

For almost 31 years my remaining 3 grandparents have gone relatively unscathed, but that's starting to change.

I'm trying to prepare myself for 2 things:

1) Seeing Grandpa in a very weak, sickly state -- moreso than any other condition I've seen him in.

2) When I say goodbye to him on Sunday, it will most likely be for the last time.

I've always been pretty good at being emotionally detatched when I need to be, but I've never been in this situation.

My wife is going to be a wreck. My weekend is going to be exhausting. And in a few weeks I'm going to have to return to Pensacola for a funeral.

Growing up stinks.

I busted a smoker

There's a boys' room across from my classroom. Nearly every day, about halfway through class, it starts to smell like cigarette smoke in there.

Yesterday we had a plan. I stationed a student in one of the stalls (hiding, with his feet up) with an Out Of Order sign on the door. We figured out who it was that way.

Today we waited for him to come strolling down the hall toward the bathroom. He did. I intercepted and detained him. I called the assistant principal. He came. The kid was carrying a cigarette.

BUSTED!!!

He was a polite kid, though.

Best part of teaching -- busting little morons who think they are above the law.

I don't care if they smoke outside of school. Smoke in my bathroom, though, and I'll nail ya. Punk.

My son is friggin' huge

My son is 8-1/2 weeks old.

He weighs 13 lbs, 5 oz, putting him in the 90th percentile weight-wise.

He is 25-1/2 inches long, putting him in the 90th percentile lengthwise.

I hope his standardized test scores also put him in at least the 90th percentile, but alas, he is only in the 75th percentile head-size-wise.

Big and dumb. Just like his mom.

JUST KIDDING, HONEY!!!!!!!

Maybe he could be a linebacker.

A friendly reminder from Bob

I don't know why people continue to misuse the apostrophe. Did they not learn anything in elementary school? Are they incapable of retaining some of the most basic rules of the English language?

Truth vs Fiction

Some people amaze me with their inability to discern real life from fiction.

I've heard stories about ladies in Sunday School classes requesting prayer for a person who's going through a really tough time -- then this person turns out to be a soap opera character.

I've heard actors mention being harrassed on the street because of something their character did on TV.

On page E6 of today's Times-Free Press, in the Ask Holly Wood column, a concerned fan writes in to ask if Anthony Edwards is dead. I guess since his character on TV died, the actor must have died too, right?

Whet happens when actors die? If you watch TV at all, you hear about it. A lot. John Ritter is all over the place right now. Yes, his character on 8 Simple Rules is going to die as well. But any self respecting fan of TV already knows that John Ritter is dead.

Sure shooting, though, once his character dies after the 3rd episode, some clodpate is going to write a letter to Parade Magazine asking whether John Ritter really died.

Or worse yet, if he was fired.

Why don't people pay attention?

A recipe for you

This is my recipe for Modified Manhattan Style Clam Chowder. When the weather is cool, you will love it. It goes really well with cornbread muffins. I modify this recipe because my wife does not like onions, celery or stewed tomatoes.

Ingredients:

4 slices bacon
2 cans minced clams
2 cups potatoes, diced
32 oz (I think) tomatoe sauce
1/8 to 1/4 tsp black pepper
1/2 tsp basil
garlic (all you want)
1 cup corn kernels
1 cup carrot, sliced

Fry the bacon in a big pot until crisp. Drain the bacon on a paper towel and keep the grease in the pot.

Add garlic, corn and carrots. Sautee until carots are starting to become tender, careful not to burn the garlic. Drain the grease.

Strain the clams; reserve the juice. Add water to juice to make a total of 1-1/2 cups liquid. Add to pot.

Add tomatoe sauce and potatoes. bring to a boil, reduce heat, cover and simmer for 40 minutes.

Mash vegetables with a large fork or potatoe-masher. Stir in clams, pepper and basil. Bring to a boil again, reduce, and simmer for 5 minutes.

Serve in a bowl or large mug. Sprinkle bacon over each seving.

Unless you can't handle clams, or you hate tomatoe sauce, you will love this.

If I ever go to Germany

If I ever go to Germany, people would call me "Herr Ball" and it would be funny because it would sound like they were calling me "hairball."

At least it would be funny if my last name were Ball.

Who will die next?

Now that Johhny Cash & John Ritter are dead, who's going to go next?

My dad predicted Warren Beatty. Of course, he made this prediction in 1978. I guess he's standing by it. One day he'll be right.

I'm being watched

One of the bothersome troublemakers in my last class of the day is serving a detention with me as I type this.

He is required to sit motionlessly for 30 minutes. I already started the clock over again because he moved his hand half an inch.

Right now, his motionlessness includes staring at me.

This is fun.

The perfect breakfast

I took the day off today to take my son to the doctor. I took advantage of my middaty freedom by having breakfast at Cracker Barrel. I had the Smokehouse Breakfast:

2 eggs
2 pieces of bacon or sausage
2 biscuits
gravy
grits

I don't like eggs, so I substitute hash brown casserole.
I opt for sausage.
I put 2 butters on the grits and annoint everything prodigiously with pepper.

I eat the first biscuit split open with gravy. I also eat approximately half the grits and hash brown casserole, as well as one of the sausage patties. Then the fun starts.

I chop up the remaining biscuit and sausage patty into bite-size pieces and mix it together with the hash brown casserole. Then I pour the remaining grits and gravy over it and mix it all up.

Breakfast Slurry I call it. Yummy!

When it's gone, I am neither hungry nor overfull.

The perfect breakfast.

Cats are worthless

There is no more disgusting, vile creature on the face of the planet than the common housecat. I hope they all catch really bad colds this winter.

What I learned at Grad School today

Among other famous sayings, Thomas Jefferson coined the phrase, "When in doubt, whip it out." I thought it was Aristotle.

80's station!

Finally! A station that plays good music in the morning without some annoying talk show. 99.3 FM is a new all-80's station in Chattanooga. I've caught them playing some late 70's and early 90's, but I'm not going to complain.

Bennifer no more

Great. J Lo and B Aff have officially called it quits. I heard late last week they had postponed their wedding, and now I hear that the relationship is now kaput.

Thanks a lot, guys. Now what am I supposed to do?

First you forget to send me an invitation. I buy a plane ticket anyway, because I know how much my presence there will mean to you. Now you split up for good? I BOUGHT A TUX FOR THIS!!!!

Hey, don't ask me to be your ring bearer if you're not going to reimburse me for the plane ticket, OK?

I hope you both catch really, really bad colds this winter.

I missed Pagan Pride Day AGAIN

Darn it all, I got so caught up in watching football and being with my son that I missed Pagan Pride Day today at Booker T Washington State Park.

I read about Pagan Pride Day on page 10 of the Weekend section of the paper. It was apparently a full day, with workshops like:

History of Paganism
Asatru (whatever that is)
Drumming
Wicca 101
Basic Vision Quest Survival
History of Druidry
Chant Workshop
"Pagan Pride Every Day"
Paranormal Workshop
Working with Stones (I wonder if they mean Rolling or Flint?)
Astrology
Picnic Lunch (at 5 PM -- seems a bit late for lunch)

I didn't make any of these up, by the way.

The paper quotes event organizers as saying that paganism is a "rapidly growing religious movement based on combinations of ancient polytheism, modern eco-spirituality and reverence for the divine as both masculine and feminine... Pagans hold ethical standards that emphasize respect for nature, humanity and oneself."

Part of the purpose of this thing is to "reduce discrimination against pagan religions. By providing accurate information, and by showing communities that their own neighbors and co-workers practice these religions, they hope to lessen prejudice against them."

Sorry, folks, but I'm always going to be prejudiced against satan. And the fact that you encourage people to bring donations for the Food Bank doesn't make you any less evil. Oh, you might not have horns or breathe fire, but you are evil.

What does the word Pagan mean to you? That they refer to it as a religion is sickening.

The website for info is www.witchcrawler.com. I'm not posting a link because I don't want them to get the web hits, but did you read that URL? Witchcrawler. The occult is alive and well in our town and is hiding under the auspices of organized religion and good works.

This makes me want to puke.

This is my son

Can you say adorable?

Too much free time

For years, people have loved to tell me I have too much free time.

Why is this? Because I come up with strange things off the top of my head that most people would need 8 extra hours of free time to dream up?

Creativity should not be confused for a surplus of free time. People with too much free time are the ones who have extremely time-consuming hobbies. Unless you count TV, I'm not one of those people.

Then again, considering the vast amounts of time I've been spending typing on this blog for the last few weeks (and the amount of catching up I have to do at work because of it), maybe I do have too much free time.

Actually, I have almost no free time. I'm just a really crappy prioritizer.

Here's a trick to play on your friends!

Everyone you know has a computer, right? Go get a pipe cleaner, twistie, band tie, or other piece of semi-rigid plastic. Go on, get it. I'll still be here...

OK, you're back. Good, I missed you.

Take your semirigid instrument and go to the back of your friend's computer (where the fan is).

Preferably with the computer turned off, stick your semirigid instrument into the one of the vent holes that the fan blows air out of when the machine is turned on. Don't stick it too far; just enough to make contact with the fan blades.

Use tape or something to make sure it stays there.

When your mark turns on their computer, the baseball-card-in-the-bicycle-spokes effect will cause a great racket to ensue and your friend will freak out.

Try it and report the results here.

What's the fascination with pimps?

This is homecoming week, so we have special dress-up days for the students. Monday was Nerd Day, Tuesday was Super Hero Day, etc.

Today is Decade Day. Pick your favorite decade and dress appropriately. There are plenty of poodle skirts and tie-dyes to go around, but the pimps are the most plentiful. Half the guys are dressed like pimps. Why? I don't know. Do their parents approve? Probably, but they shouldn't.

These kids love pimps. A cool truck is "pimped out." A cool pen is "totally pimp." A guy who talks to girls regularly is a "big pimp."

I'm tired of the pimp fascination. Someone needs to tell these kids what a pimp is. Actually, I'm sure they already know. Maybe they thought it was "dress like your mom's boyfriend" day.

Speaking of coma victims

I'm jealous of coma victims.

I love to sleep. It's one of my favorite hobbies. To me, the purpose of being awake is to have time to enjoy being asleep.

Coma victims get to sleep all the time. That would be awesome!

On second thought, maybe not. Coma victims usually have a medical team of some kind whose sole job is to wake them up. That would be horrible, having people trying to wake me up while I'm trying to sleep.

My mom was one of the most annoying waker-uppers in the world. She should work with coma victims.

Tobey Maguire is a dork

I keep seeing Tobey Maguire referred to as "sexy" and "hot." I keep seeing how he and Kirsten Dunst made a "hot couple" in Spider-Man.

I don't get it. Look at him. He's a dork. He looks like a cross between Albert from Little House on the Prarie and a Chihuahua.

I'm no prize, admittedly, but I'd like to think that if Tobey Maguire is considered sexy in hollywood, then maybe I have a chance to make it there too.

The best part of waking up...

I hate waking up early in the morning. Here's my morning routine:

1) Hit snooze
2) Hit snooze
3) Hit snooze
4) Consider actualy getting out of bed
5) Hit snooze
6) Turn off alarm clock
7) Kiss wife
8) Stagger to bathroom
9) Fall asleep in shower
10) Get dressed
11) Stagger back to bedroom
12) Kiss wife
13) Get dog out of bed
14) Put dog in yard
15) Feed dog
16) Mumble something to wife
17) Kiss wife
18) Gather wallet, watch and keys
19) Go to work

At no time do I actually embrace the new day. I hate getting up unnaturally. I hate alarm clocks. I hate mornings.

Happy Schmaltz Day!

Today is September 11th. It used to be just my sister's birthday. Then, 2 years ago, all that stuff happened and it went from being September 11th to SEPTEMBER 11th.

Then last year on September 11th we celebrated National Schmaltz Day for the first time. I can't tell you how sick I was of the emails that I kept getting, reminding me to "never forget."

How can I? It's all over the radio, TV, internet, etc.

Can we tone it down a little? Life goes on. Remember it, yes. Remember it with a bunch of cheesy schmaltz? No.

Education is bad for people's self esteem

I am an educated man. I have high school and college diplomas, as well as several hours of postgraduate work completed.

Being so educated is a burden, because I am surrounded by people who are either terribly uneducated or who act like they are.

I paid attention in school. I learned how to speak, write, spell, and do basic math. It stuck with me.

My students can't speak proper English, they write like a 5 year-old on crack writing with his left hand, they couldn't spell their own name if it wasn't stenciled on their underwear and math -- forget it. They half-learn it for the test, then forget it.

As a result of the blithering ignorance aound me, I am often compelled to show people the error of their ways. I am obviously smart, as anyone can tell. This makes dumb people feel dumb. Of course, dumb people should feel dumb. But for some reason they're led to believe that they are entitled to feel smart. Then, because they don't feel smart, their self-esteem is damaged and they feel worse.

Poor dummies. Come on; let's go make fun of a few.

"Homosexual"gives a bad connotation

In one of my classes at grad school we were discussing APA style, as I addressed in an earlier post. One point the prof made was that, according to the APA style manual, one should use the terms "gays" and "lesbians" instead of "homosexual" because "homosexual" gives a bad connotation.

Excuse me? Whenever I hear "lesbian", I immediately picture women with mullets and tank tops, drinking Budweiser and jammin' to Melissa Etheridge. That is not a good connotation.

Perhaps the APA style manual should instead encourage the use of the word "queers," or perhaps "flamers." Or maybe "fags" and "dykes."

It seems that homosexual is the most polite term to use. APA style is the gayest thing I've ever seen.

Air Parentheses

People have been making air quotes for years. You know, the raising and wiggling of the index and middle fingers of each hand to emphasize the quotational nature of a phrase. Joey even misused them beautifully last season on Friends.

How come no one ever uses air parentheses? They're not hard to make. Just curve the fingers and thumb of each hand in a concave manner, like a "c" and hold them open towards each other whenever you use a parenthetical expression.

For example, if you were saying, "My sister (the one that's getting married) wants to buy me a horse," you would make air parentheses when you say "(the one that's getting maried)."

I think it will really catch on.

While we're at it, the word parentheses does not contain an "I" so stop spelling it parinthises or parenthises. That's how I learned how to spell it right -- Like "team," ther is no "I" in parentheses. Parentheses is plural. Parenthesis is singular. ( is a parenthesis. ) is also a parenthesis. () are parentheses.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

I am apolitical

I have particular leanings, beliefs and convictions, but I consider myself fairly apolitical. Politics is a huge waste of time. I vote, and I tend to vote for one particular party because their platform matches more of my beliefs. But I really don't like politicians or politics in general.

I've decided to never again vote for anyone who hasn't held a job outside of politics in the last 20 years. I will also never vote for anyone who was ever a lawyer. Politicians are crooked. Career politicians are out of touch.

I don't like debating politics because I really don't care enough about it to defend my beleifs. I know what I like; just leave me alone. I like small government. I like free enterprise. I like hard work being rewarded. I like equal protection under the law. I like rights. I like security. Really, the only things I can't stand are racism and Puerto Ricans.

These are the salad days

Like my friend Bill Colrus, I see the need to change a few dietary/exercise habits.

Perhaps the recent tightness in my chest has something to do with this; I don't know.

Today at lunch, instead of opting for 2 slices of school pizza from the cafeteria, I went to the salad bar.

1) lettuce, the gustatory equivalent of crispy water
2) tomatoe
3) 1 scoop of cheddar cheese, grated
4) 1 scoop of cubed ham
5) 1 serving spoonful of macaroni salad
6) 1 small ladleful of sweet/tangy sesame dressing

Not bad, really. I feel healthier already.

Now I just need some physical activity.

APA-style emoticons?

I'm taking a graduate level class in which I'll be expected to write papers in APA style. APA style is a strange way to write; it ignores common word processing rules and makes things harder to write.

I decided I'd like to include some emoticons in my research proposal. As many of you know, emoticons are those gay chatty symbols people make to express emotion or underlying sentiment emails. Anyway, I have a sentence in my research proposal that reads:

"..that over 23% of educators overlooked the primary objective :), which was to ..."

The APA manual does not cover this. Do I put a space between symbols in an emoticon? Do I put it in parentheses? What?

Hot Women

I looked out the wondow and saw two ladies walking down the street today. It was very warm outside. I felt sorry for them.

Things that don't hack me off

These things don't hack me off. They may hack some people off, and you may be surprised to discover that I'm not hacked off by these things, but they don't hack me off. This is not a complete list:

Al Gore is not president
Hot weather
I've been driving the same car for 10 years
Taco Bell
The environment
The Iraq situation

The best annoying song in the world is...

Sympathy for the Devil by the Rolling Stones.

I mean, it's a cool song and all, but they made it terribly annoying with the inclusion of 124 "Woo-whooos" in the background. And the Woo-whooos aren't all done together. Nooooooosir, they're done one at a time. One hundred and twenty four of them. I counted.

Try studying all night when the local radio station plays this song (the Woo-whooo song) once every hour ALL NIGHT LONG. Enough to drive one mad.

Then again, maybe the song wouldn't be as cool without them... I don't know.

NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND is a joke

The whole No Child Left Behind legislation is a huge waste of time, money and resources. The intent is good -- the program's goal is to have every child in school on grade level by 2014.

I don't know what qualifies as "on grade level," but here are a few potential solutions:

1) Lower the expectations of what it takes to be "on grade level"

2) Put the child in the grade commensurate with his or her current level, regardless of age

3) Have children that cannot function at grade level no longer labeled as "children," so that they may, in fact, be left behind.

#2 is the best solution, but it would cost too much money. After 12 years of free education, should the government continue to babysit?

#3 is a pipe dream

#1, unfortunately, is probably going to be the most likely result of NCLB.

The fact is, SOME KIDS ARE DUMB!!

Are they capable of learning? Yes. Are they capable of performing at the same level of their peers? No. Not that we should allow any child to slip through the cracks, but some kids just aren't scholars.

The parable of the single lost sheep vs the 99 safe ones comes to mind here, but this isn't soul-saving. This is education. Education costs money. And let's face it, some kids aren't interested in education. How much time, effort and money should we put into a child who is, at best, dumb, and at worst, disruptive and ininterested?

I read a story about a businessman who criticized a school system by saying, "If we ran business the same way you ran this school, we'd go bankrupt." The man changed his tune, though, when he was reminded of one difference between big business and education. In business, if you receive a substandard raw material, you send it back. Good products come from good raw materials. In education, our raw materials are children and we have to take them as they come, do the best we can with them, and put them out into the world.

We look toward other countries and their success with education. Let's not compare ourselves to Japan unless we're willing to adopt Japan's educational structure. Education doesn't start in Kindergarten; it starts in the home at birth. When parents begin to value education, their children will value it as well. When parents begin to hold their children accountable for their actions, children will be accountable.

I believe that if parents acted more parentally instead of trying to be their child's best friend, schools would receive a better raw material and put out a better product. Unfortunately, we've made it OK to underachieve.

NCLB takes an education system that has already been legislated to death and beats it into the ground with unrealistic expectations and vague standards to meet. Unfortunately, the govenment isn't allowed to intervene in a typical case of bad parenting, so they go to the next level-- the schools -- since they have us by the short hairs already.

Jerry Lewis sure has gotten fat

If you saw any of the MDA telethon on Labor Day (does anyone actually watch that?), you saw the enormous, Jabba-like creature that's passing for Jerry Lewis these days. I swear, he's about six times the Jerry he was 25 years ago.

What happened to Jerry's Kids? I guess he ate them.

NASCAR is stupid

Who cares who can drive faster? Who cares about spoilers and restrictor plates? Not me, that's who.

NASCAR is only about half a rung higher on the culture ladder than professional "wrestling." NASCAR fans are, without exception, inbred, slack-jawed mouth-breathers who lust after their own relatives and dine regularly on roadkill. We won't even go into what rasslin' fans are.

NASCAR is stupid and so are NASCAR fans. And everyone else who isn't me.

I've had a stressful day; can you tell?

Cheerleading is not a sport

I teach in Georgia. Georgia considers cheerleading a sport. I suppose it's a Title IX thing, but still -- cheerleading a sport? How stupid.

Cheerleaders like to argue about it almost as much as I do.

Yes, it's a sport. We go to competitions.

No, it's not a sport. Debate is a competition. Is debate a sport? No. Neither is cheerleading.

But we're athletes. We practice and work hard.

Actors practice and work hard. Is acting a sport? No. Neither is cheerleading.

Can you go to a football game to watch a sport, and if you happen to notice the cheerleaders, actually end up watching 2 sports at once? I don't think so.

The cheerleaders say But the competitions are the sport part. The games are just what we do to practice.

That's nice. So I guess it's OK for the football team to scrimmage on the sidelines of a cheerleading competition?

Girls can be catty sometimes. Who hasn't heard a bunch of cheerleaders standing around, badmouthing the opponent's cheerleaders?

You can't even do a Russian Toe Touch right!

Oh yeah? Well, you don't keep your arms straight! And don't get me started on your herky!

I guess at some point an overly assertive psycho-cheerleader decided to put her money where her pom-poms are and challenge another squad to some kind of competition to lay the argument about who's the best to rest once and for all. And now they call cheerleading a sport.

Maybe we need to set straight exactly what does qualify as a sport:

1) Is the goal to physically outperform another person or team?

2) Is performance evaluated by attaining some quantifiable goal?

3) Is strategy involved?

In my opinion, you need to be able to answer "yes" to at least two of these questions to qualify an activity as a sport. Let's see how cheerleading measures up...

1) They can make a case for this one. They go to their little competitions and try to do the best routine. OK, that's one.

2) No. In sports it's all about getting past the line, doing it faster, doing it more, etc. In cheerleading it's all about what some judge thinks about the quality of their routine. Of course, this means that gymnastics, figure skating and competitive diving are not sports. I never thought they were anyway.

3) No. They do their routine, but don't have to change their game plan depending upon conditions, the venue, the other team's strengths or weaknesses, or anything else.

There you have it. Cheerleading is not a sport. It's a hobby, and activity, a performance. But not a sport.

Why can't I ever hear any music in the morning?

This is a strange town. No good radio stations (by "good" I mean stations that play music I enjoy listening to) around here play music in the mornings.

I have a clock radio in the bathroom. I like to listen to music on the radio while I shower in the morning. While I usually listen to talk radio in the car on the way to work, the sound of the water running keeps me from being able to hear what they are talking about. I can, however, usually tell what song is being played over the din of the shower.

I like classic rock, so I started with KZ 106. Then they started playing John Boy & Billy in the morning. JB&B play a song every half hour or so, and spend the rest of the time laughing at themselves. Tres annoying; almost as bad as people who slip French words and phrases into their writing.

So anyway, KZ is out. I try J103. It's OK for awhile, but they play some incredibly annoying commercials over and over again, and half the songs are boring.

I try the WAY, but reception is iffy in my bathroom.

Finally, I find Majic 101.9. They play 70's & 80's music. Wonderful; I love it (even though their music library only seems to contain about 50 songs).

Then, at the start of 2003, they introduce Bob & Tom. Bob & Tom are like John Boy & Billy, only they play NO music, are twice as annoying and are usually quite vulgar.

I don't like country music and am too old for the Mountain.

CAN'T ANYONE JUST PLAY GOOD MUSIC IN THE MORNINGS?

The most annoying singer in the world is...

George Thorogood.

Not a single one of his "songs" is worth a bucket of warm spit. They're all horrible.

I'm sure he has worse songs than Bad to the Bone, but that's the one I have the hardest time avoiding. People seem to think that playing it displays attitude. I think it displays poor, poor taste in music.

In fact, I have a little game I like to play. I call it the Bad to the Bone Game. Here's how you play:

Listen to the radio. Wait for them to play Bad to the Bone. It shouldn't take long.

When they do, try to turn off the radio within the first guitar lick -- you know, "da DA da DA DA."

Joe Schmo -- you heard it here first

I watched the Joe Schmo pilot on Spike TV last night. I figured the concept would be entertaining, and I was right. But I think I've figured it out...

For those of you who don't know, Joe Schmo is a pseudo-reality show wherein an average schmuck participates in a reality show with 8 other people -- but the 8 other people are all actors who are playing parts and are in on the joke from the beginning.

Every event is staged and the mark (whose name is Matt) is made to look foolish at every turn. The cast & crew must keep the charade up 24/7 and must improvise quickly when Matt does something unpredictable.

That said, at 6:00 this morning I sat upright in bed because I'd figured out the key to the whole show. Here's my prediction:

Matt, the mark, is in on it. In fact, he's been in on it from the beginning and the joke is on the "actors."

Come on, no one is as big a loser as the guy on this show. It's fake. Well-conceived, though. Pulling a fast one on the whole viewing audience (except me).

Am I right? Only time will tell. Unfortunately, the show goes a bit beyond the bounds of good taste for regular cable, so I'll probably not be watching it very much.

Throwing my hat into the ring

I've just about decided to run for governor of California.

My platform: Having not been in California since 1979, I have not been tainted by the political atmosphere out there. I can govern just fine from East Ridge.

A great cheap date

Looking for something to do with that special someone, but don't have much cash to spend?

Go to Wendy's. Order fries and a Frosty.

You dip the fries in the Frosty and eat them.

Women really get off on the sweet/salty combo.

Do it, guys, and she's yours forever.

Too bad the fries at Wendy's are bad about 40% of the time.

Technology and smut

The telephone was a fine invention.
Then they invented phone sex.

The VCR was a great invention.
Then they invented rentable porn.

Sattelites have revolutionized communication as we know it.
Then they started beaming porn on demand into your living room.

The information superhighway opened doors of accessibility long unavailable to average people.
Then they invented www.hotnakedmidgets.com.

Funny how mankind will take the highest level of technology that is available and use it to propagate smut. I'm surprised they haven't figured out a way to use an electric toothbrush to get a cheap thrill.

Someday a scientist in a lab is going to perfect an efficient cold-fusion process that will change the world. This scientist will win the Nobel Prize.
About 20 minutes later, someone else is going to figure out how to use it to look at pictures of people having sex. This person will make a zillion dollars.

Enlarge my what?

I keep getting these emails that essentially tell me my manhood is too small. I'm constantly harrassed by the emails that tell me I can enlarge it easily. Do I really need a bunch of emails flooding my inbox every day, telling me that I'm inadequate?

When does my wife have time to write them all?

I wish I was 14 again

If I could be 14 again, but know everything I know now, I think my life would be pretty good.

I'd be quicker with put-downs and comebacks.

I'd still be able to jump over things and run from place to place without risking a coronary.

I'd not be so shy around the ladies.

I'd be able to drive, albeit illegally.

I'd be smarter than my teachers (actually, I WAS smarter than my teachers).

I'd be more street smart, which would give me more options when plotting revenge against my enemies.

Wouldn't it be neat to be 14 again?

The World's best Cinnamon Rolls

Go to the frozen food section at Wal-Mart and find the frozen cinnamon rolls. Mmmmmmmmm, yummy. I don't know how much they are, but I'd be willing to pay a thousand dollars for one right now.

Labor Day

Yesterday was Labor Day, the day we celebrate union labor in America.

You know, the same union labor that makes everything cost more.

The same union labor that brings efficiency to a grinding halt in factories all over the country.

The same union labor that is essentially run by the mafia.

Hey, at least it's a day off.

How I know I'm a grownup

I'm almost 35 years old. Age notwithstanding, here's how I know I'm a full-fledged grownup:

1) My TV is programmed to skip past MTV as I channel-surf

2) When I see teenage girls at the mall, the predominant thoughts in my head are For crying out loud, put some clothes on! and I can't believe your mother lets you go out dressed like that!

3) I have actually said, out loud, "Hmm, it's supposed to rain tomorrow. I'd better get out there and cut the grass while I can"

4) I am convinced that there will never again be music as good as there was when I was in High School

5) SNL is only rarely funny any more

6) Sometimes I really want to eat a vegetable

7) Sometimes I watch Headline News for minutes at a time

8) Sometimes I'm tempted to pick sleep over - ummm... romance

9) I find the majority of video games to be incredibly stupid

10) I no longer freak out when I realize my parents were right about something all along

Why is there no Fuddrucker's in Chattanooga?

I love Fuddrucker's. Great burger, great mustard, and they have a vat of warm liquid cheese to squirt on your burger at the condiment bar.

I discovered Fuddrucker's when I was in college in Nashville. Since, I have been to Fudds in Tallahassee, Atlanta, Johnson City and Dalton. But not in Chattanooga.

You see, Chattanooga does not have a Fuddruckers. I don't know why. Johnson City has one and they're about the size of my living room. Dalton has one and they're not even American.

What's the problem, Chattanooga? Do you WANT me to have to drive south 25 miles to Dalton any time I need a Fudd fix?

Gunbarrel Road. Battlefield Parkway. Hixson Pike. Downtown. Are you telling me a Fuddrucker's wouldn't thrive in any of these locations?

It took us long enough to get a Popeye's. Let's get a Fuddrucker's in here right away!