mea culpa

To graph the optical illusion of color is an attempt
to finitely categorize the infinite. Taken as a
phenomena of nature, the only way a person
can change another’s viewpoint or perception
of this phenomena is to draw attention or
make the other aware.

col·or (n.) - That aspect of things that is caused
by differing qualities of the light reflected or emitted
by them, definable in terms of the observer
or of the light.

The definition of color attests to man’s perception
of his environment. Reproduced and conventionally
boxed and labeled, color is readily available at
your local retailer.

silence at 1120

Its 11:20 pm and I just went outside with my dog..
it was the quietest I think I've ever heard while living in the city.
the cold freezes even the sounds..

"You don't have to drag me down..I descend"

I've realized that I've been trying to fool myself.
These past two years I've been ignoring a big part of me.
I've been ignoring memories, and wondering why I feel the way I do...which was a big mistake because the two are interrelated. Cause and effect so to speak.

I feel like I am coming into this age from a near-backwards perspective. Being 22, I'm looking around, seeing my friends already married, and wondering why I am not.
I am not in a hurry to get married, that would be stupid...
I believe that if you really love someone, and it is your heart's desire to marry, then there should never be any reason to rush, because marriage is forever. The whole point is to be together, right? And if you're together right now, what is the hurry? Besides taxes or something.

anyway:)
I've discovered that I have been cursed for being loyal. for trusting my mate when he told me he was being loyal, too.
I feel punishment for having hope, and believing in the good, for being too trustworthy?
It is a daily reminder, this little blue pill, and although it is something that I realize I shouldn't be worried about, I know it still affects.

Its due to this that I've realized I do not trust men.
All relations I had after my 4 year reverie I feel, if categorized, were attempts to believe in myself again. To prove something to me, deep down.
None of them were serious, none of them lasted, and some have remained acquaintances due to circumstance.

Why did all of this come up?

This past weekend I saw my ex.
It brought up a lot of feelings that I didn't realize were there,
and a heartfelt talk to my mother helped me realize that I had selective memory (for the good) as far as everything that happened.. and why I had to break up with him.
She told me several things, one of which saying that, "I was probably bothered by seeing him more than I realized," and the other, "All things equal, I would rather remember the good than the bad."

I hate to hold a grudge against someone.
Which is why I do not think it is necessarily against him, and why I've directed it towards myself.
Its easier to justify self-criticism.

i dont know.

I always wondered why "Walking Contradition" was my favourite song by Green Day
Now I feel like I'm living it.
I guess I know myself better than I thought.

I don't understand how I can be so thankful to be myself, and for everything that I have,
but wish I was someone different.

I don't understand why I can continue on with something even though I know its not good for me.
And I don't know why I keep wanting it, even after the decision has been made that I deserved better than what I was dealt.

I don't understand why I keep assuming the best out of people.
What part in me creates this need, this drive to believe that everything is a possibility? Its too dark to consider the opposite, I know this and will never give into such thought... but I assume that sleep is the closest I'll get to escape.

Unless my dreams become a confontation as well.

I hate and love the things that make me up.
Maybe its because I know nothing else, and also that I believe I am working at making myself the best I can be...

I can't be anything other than what I am meant to be... but also I can be anything I want to be!

I believe that if any assumptions are to be made, they should be the best ones.
But its always been human nature to do otherwise.