unedited

Found a camera in my closet.
one of those refillable walgreens ones.
all the film is used up.

I can't wait to see what's on it!;)

more on the HIV/AIDS entry:

Ook
So have I asked the unanswerable question?
I think not. Its not surprising how humans react to a serious disease. It's only a survival tactic. No doubt my dream may have come from a variety of influences..but I feel almost glad to have had it. I would not have said this on Sunday.

So is it unanswerable? What happens to the child born of an HIV positive mother?
The ultimate end is obvious.. but the child will be forever be warily approached, and some not considering touching them without a ten foot pole.

I am not, by any means capable of revealing the ultimate truths and reasons behind such harsh circumstances. I think this all ties back into one of my rationales behind reincarnation.
I can't imagine that God, being good and true, with purpose and reasons behind each act or happening (albeit they be beyond our human understanding of things) would unduly punish an innocent child--a new soul if you will--to suffer any such travesty. Even the Christian relgion describes the Adam and Eve as without sin, and living in a world of perfection.

So why are there children born with AIDS?
I tend to reason that each child, albeit physically innocent, has a reason and a purpose to fufill in this life. This does not necessarily mean that their spirit is as pure and innocent as their newborn body. They were placed with a reason. With a lesson to learn.
I think the same for people who contract AIDS through irresponsible sexual contact. Arguably, it is their fault. But how can we as humans *not sympathize with their plight? For we are all ignorant.
To learn from each other's mistakes--especially our own.
Sin can be categorized as any act that harms yourself or others in any way. Without sin, how would we know goodness?
To make a change for the better in your life, you must first recognize the wrong.
Learning from the wrong allows each of us to forsee (and hopefully avoid) future consequences of our actions.

This is an extension of myself, a glimpse of my rationale. Stemming from what I have experienced, every action I have made colors this judgment.

There are as many judgments to make as there are colors in white light.
Its funny how we plough through life, thinking a thing to be right, until a direct experience appears to prove us wrong. We are forever in a state of flux.
Once the experience appears and changes us, why struggle against it? It is as if swimming upriver trying to reach the ideal spot to go ashore, when the best is just around the bend.
Not until it comes into view do you know it's there.

Ideally, this view could apply towards any obstacle we meet in life. It could apply towards aging .. and death.
So why is it so hard to have faith?

afterglow

There's something so sensual about the way I feel after working out. Its the sweat coming from every part of me, creating a hazy boundary between myself and the air, cooling the touch. Clothes hanging wetly.. the physical aura of exertion still clinging.
almost a solid presence in the air.

It's been a long time since I've stood in the rain.

You need flash.

I dethroned the man in the moon today..

Yeah, you read that right.
I had to dethrone the man in the moon hanging in my room @ home after the awful dream I had last night.
Actually, I accidentally knocked him off his perch while changing clothes this morning.
After he fell to the floor i decided he deserved it.;P
I mean, it was seriously bad. I had a dream I slept with someone and during the middle of it all he told me he had HIV.
The rest of the dream I was in this state of knowing I was going to die from it.
I woke up with frayed nerves and had trouble shaking it off.
Thankfully, going to church this morning with my family helped me forget about it.
I'd definately chalk it up to one of the worst dreams I've had in a long time.
I tend to take dreams more seriously at times..and if its really vivid and I remember it clearly.. I usually take it up with my dream book to try and decode it.
I take all things like that with a grain of salt..and of course, think for myself and come to my own decision about things..but in general dreams are too personal and connected to us to just ignore.
*consults*
ook. Well disease in general is considered a lucky omen, unless it is a veneral disease in which case means someone is trying to attack my character.

more importantly..
I'm alive.
still kickin. and very happy that in my case, it was only a dream.
What concerns me more than someone "attacking my character" is the viewpoint of actually having HIV or AIDS.
Of course, dreams seem just as real as reality in the midst of having them.

The Easter Sunday sermon was to help us all realize that death is part of living..but dying in peace is something many hope for. How could someone come to terms with something so heavy?
In "my case" had the dream been real.. I would be irresponsible by not being more careful with sexual partners..something many take for granted and never see a consequence from. But to die from something because of your ignorance/stupidity? And their unwillingness to disclose? Where should two meet in the middle?
Will write more. Still too fresh for me to hack out solid ideas just yet.
But yes,
I dethroned my man in the moon today.
(But hung him back up only upon agreement that he'd do better next time. ;)

i feel like I should make a side note.
Vivid dreams are something I have always had. Certain ones I remember from years ago.
When dreams speak, I try to listen...closely.

Onto less important and identically more important things:

Good weekend:D
I spent thursday and friday in the 3d studio constructing a lamp. finishing up around 9 on friday, i met up with my dad and we went to see a friend Brad race his wrx on the brainerd drag strip.
Some of those cars are unbelieveably fast#% I saw two methanol cars run the 1/8th of a mile in like 3.9 seconds. going from 0 to 143 mph in 3.9 seconds. Unbelieveable.
There were motorcycles racing as well.. just a really fun and new event. :) I'd definately go back!

Saturday was full of shopping. Went out to find something to wear to the Easter service, then out to Kanpai with family :)
Spent all of today at home.
Been in a fantastic mood all weekend.. really can't wait until it gets warm outside.
This is the last week of school.
And there's only one reason I don't want it to end.
Design is great and everything..but

Must admit I am looking forward to working at cyl cafe. tanning. working out
and being lazy by the pool,
bonnaroo trois..and waverunners!!!!#%(!#%
summah 2004 baybah!!!! right around the corner!!!
(I'm tryin to get nano and deedee to let me tan on the roof!! lol;)

I really want this cough to go away.
&
I want to be a cowgirl. ;D

Two Fours

This is the second night in a row that I have been up until 4 am working on stuff--after waking up at 6 am.
havent been able to blog a lot because i've been so busy.

2 hours of sleep and i can really tell I am lacking.
Not totally delusional or nething. But I can tell a difference. While working in the lab i was typing and preping a cd at the same time, went back to the wordpad going to save the file when it had already been saved. It was some fancy title too--I surprised myself.
And no, this is only smei-self inflicted. There simply aren't enough hours in the day to accomplish everything at the level I want to achieve. Too many projects.

My nerves are all tight.
Despite the projects and lack of sleep, managed to get out to Frazier and Pisa Pizza to congratulate & celebrate with friends on our wonderful professor who earned best teacher of the year at UTC! I could not think of a better person to recieve it. :)

Did manage to get in some exercise today. very happy about that b/c all the school work really cuts into it. That is one thing that really really bothers me when it happens. Eating? nahh can be taken care of any time. (and i dont really notice im hungry while working)
But staying immobile for hours at a time in front of the computer really builds up on me. I *make* time for it. I'd love access to a 24 hour gym. That would be way less stressful. But like eating, exercising has become a necessity.. I have to have it.. and I want to do it!

Visited CyL too%#!)#%* OMGOMGOMGOMG THE CAFE IS SOOOO SECKZI.
Let me repeat that. SECKZI.
I had quite the reaction after seeing it today... I couldn't help bouncing around deedee and cheering her up with my enthusiasm.
I mean, this place looks seriously sharp.
That espresso machine has more knobs than I've ever seen.. and is the only one in Chattanooga like it.
We're also the only cafe that will have literally "fresh" whipped cream.
Some contraption they bought makes whipped cream out of heavy cream milk, instantaneously.
Very cool.
I think the reason its doubly incredible for me to see is 1) They did a superb job building it 2) I get to work there and 3) I saw this idea from its conception on a napkin during a lunch meeting!! So it's really surreal actually being/seeing/working in it! ;D
After the 20th or so, I'm werkin baybah!#%
Morning shift.. oiii
can't decide how I'm gonna do this either... do the third shift schedule for weekends and first on weekdays?
I dunno, i'll figure it out.

sorry about being so random.
its time to end this blog and get 2 more hours of sleep.
Uptime: 36 and counting.

weekend for sarah = projects. sleep.

HEADLINE: MYSTERY SOLVED, Name Satisfactory.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Spoon Spatula.
*bows*
Brought to you in part by the Chef's Edge and Big Lots!

No, I won't admit I bought it just because it's named...
I "adopted" it so it could have a home to call it's own.

Take Action Now!
No Kitchen Utensil Left Behind!!

Lost?.. Check out March 1st entry.

[verb]

Just playing? devil's advocate.
Time to pinpoint what and where "ahead" is.

Is the time space/continuum warped or is that you holding the photograph upside down?

04-04-04

polar opposites exist together while apart.

How deep does the rabbit hole go?

Sometimes it really sucks being single.
At times i think that its some problem that I have that is the cause of it.
Its really negative to think that way..so i really try to avoid it.
I don't truly believe that is the case.

I just called an old coworker up not too long ago.
He had previously just stopped all communication because he felt too old to talk to me.
A part of me understands that, and another just ends up getting frustrated.
Sometimes I revel in being in this young body
but at others it is a suffocating trap.
Ideally, I would prefer to use it without being hindered by rigid, unspoken social rules.

I believe that some form of reincarnation has to exist. How else can you explain some of the weird happenings in this world?

I just recently experienced a strange but powerful sense of empathy. I feel like I have such a deep connection to this person..but due to situations out of our control, I can never and most likely will never be able to express my true thoughts and feelings.

Take it with a grain of salt..:

This didn't stop a wave of sensation from coming over me when I saw this person venting some frustration yesterday afternoon (it was at the start of the rearranging that set me off.) I felt as if I had been dipped into some altered perspective of myself and the room, and the emotions that came over me I knew were not my own!
I know I can say this because what felt came over me was totally unrelated to my then-current state of moderate calm. I was not doing anything near frustrating or anything that would remotely cause that type of feeling. But hitting me like a wave, I could do nothing but turn and look at its source. It seemed to almost be in waves. I didn't ask for this. I wasn't expecting it either. In fact, my thoughts were not tuned into this person more than they usually are. (I can't help but get slightly distracted when this person is in my presence. So admittedly, I was distracted but not to the point to where I couldn't concentrate on the task at hand.)
After I realized it wasn't going away.. I was so shocked that I had to get up and leave the room.
Physical distance did lessen this unexpected intimacy. I feel truly at a loss as how else to explain it. A great part of me ached to comfort this person, but as said before, all physical contact is out of the question.
I simply can't go there, it would be too intense for me to control. There is a point i reach with any man where I know there would be no going back. I'm definately unwilling to go anywhere close to that in anything other than my unspoken thoughts.
Though I guess this kind of breaks that boundary...depending on whether or not the blue pill.. was taken..

It has been a long time since I've come close to feeling that, and I will admit that I have experienced it before (i.e., I know what "empathy" or whatever you wish to call it, feels like.)..and I can't recall perception so vivid. I say this knowing that memory fades.
Its really frustrating, but so beyond my control that I feel I must simply accept it and try to continue on my own. I might be crazy, but the feelings I have for this person go deeper than any physical longing--though that is part of it, and I would be fool to not admit it. I believe this is why I can so easily accept where the boundary of our lives must meet. A part of me wants to cry when I say this.. but I have no desire to change these things, as it affects many more lives than our own. (That is,assuming things would ever progress that far.)
I am not blind, nor am I stupid.
I am, however, ignorant.

I've never been engaged with this sort of situation, and realize the potential disasters that would arise if any action were taken. So it remains in words. The oh-so human desire to express the things in writing that can only be said through physicality, and even then, that too falls short.

The sad part is that I could keep writing.
I have endless lines of poetry in my head
that as of yet will not be written.